Mental Health—On and Off the Field
Mind Set Q&A with Darien High School Girls Lacrosse Coach LISA LINDLEY, photo by: BAMBI RIEGEL | riegelpictureworks.com
Coach Lindley with DHS Morgan’s Message Ambassadors. From left: Sadie Stafford, Anna Von Kennel, Hope Schoudel and Kat Reynolds
How do you keep your head when you play for a top girls lacrosse team like Coach Lisa Lindley’s Darien High School squad—a perennial powerhouse (at press time, they were ranked #1 in the nation), and the spotlight’s always on, thanks to social media that’s never off? Or when a team you should be beating inches ahead, you have a bad game, you’re on the team but don’t play much or, heaven forbid, you lose …at a time when adolescent anxiety is already through the roof? It helps if your coach cares about your mental health as much as she cares about your skills and fitness—as Coach Lindley does. In this Q&A, she told us why, what she does about it and how we, as parents and fans, can best support these elite athletes. (Note: Lisa, a National Lacrosse Hall of Fame coach, is also mom to two sons who played lacrosse at the highest levels.) – Editor
Q: Do you see a lot of anxiety amongst your players.
Lisa: Yes.
Q: How do you help them deal with that?
Lisa: Well, the events that happened last spring really affected our team. So I really wanted to find something that would help them and to set a culture where they can talk about mental health. That’s when I found Morgan’s Message. It’s student-driven so we have four ambassadors. The ambassadors lead (mental health)discussions for the team.
Q: You began coaching at DHS in 1994. Has the mental health aspect of the game changed?
Lisa: Yes. I would say within the last 10 years, it has become more prominent than ever.
Q: What do you attribute it to?
Lisa: I think one of the main reasons is social media …looking and seeing what other kids are doing and then having the whole FOMO thing. But then it goes a step further when you’re dealing with social media in sports. Certain players get written up and I think for some, it becomes, ‘Why aren’t I written up?’ There’s a lot of emphasis on that and we’re guilty of it too because we promote it on our Twitter page and our Instagram page, but I don’t like it. I wish it was more like when I started when there was no social media.
Q: So what you’re saying is that in spotlighting the high achievers, the others feel like they become invisible even though the high achievers can’t do what they’re doing without their teammates?
Lisa: Correct.
Q: What do you do to counter the negative effects of social media?
Lisa: One thing I try to stress every year is ‘Hey, listen, at the end of the day, we’re a team and we compete as a team, not as individuals.’
Q: Anything else?
Lisa: The coaches and I instituted a new rule this year and I like what it’s done so far. (The players) are not allowed to have their cell phones on the field and they’re not allowed to have their cell phones out on the bus. So it encourages players to interact with each other. →
Q: How else do you and your coaching staff address that every player is important?
Lisa: That was our first lesson from our Morgan’s Message ambassadors. It’s very important to me because I’m always conscious of the player who maybe doesn’t play that much.
I want to make sure they know that they are important and they contribute to our team. Accomplishing things as a team is much greater than anything you can accomplish as an individual.
About Morgan’s Message
Through volunteer student-athletes who apply to become Ambassadors at their school, Morgan’s Message strives to eliminate the stigma surrounding mental health within the student-athlete community and equalize the treatment of physical and mental health in athletics. It aims to expand the dialogue on mental health by normalizing conversations, empowering those who suffer in silence, and supporting those who feel alone. There are currently 2,751 Ambassadors on 1,044 high school and college campuses nationwide.
Q: You’re coaching the number one team in the country. How do you get your players to be in the moment, to normalize the stakes, so that they can play their best?
Lisa: My emphasis to the players is when they come to practice, I really need them to concentrate and give me their all for two hours. I really try to focus on knowing what to do, having the right attitude and giving effort. Those are three things that you can control. The other stuff, you can’t really control. So if they follow those three things, for the most part, they tend to be successful but we also do talk about how you can’t put so much pressure on yourself that you’re hand locked. Like anything in life, if you put that much pressure on yourself, you’re not going to be successful. And we talk about having fun, enjoying the game.
Q: Do the players who don’t enjoy the game have more anxiety?
Lisa: Yes. I see it. I have players that really do not enjoy the game. They’re playing lacrosse for reasons that are not their own. Kids need to enjoy what they’re doing. I don’t care if they’re in theater, in band, if they play softball, soccer, field hockey, whatever it is. They have to be passionate about it.
Q: Do you feel added pressure because the culture in Darien can be so performance-based?
Lisa: Yes.
Q: Does that impact how you coach your players?
Lisa: Yes. So listen, for me personally, I’ve tried to be more self-reflective. But to be honest, I would lie if I told you that I don’t get carried away in the moment. I do. I’m intense. I’m passionate. I am in there. However, I also feel, and I asked the girls, ‘Do you want me to not talk?’ And they’re like,
‘No! we want you to.’ But I think there’s a happy medium knowing when to be hard on them and when to pull back and I’m still learning. I’m going into my 30th year at Darien and I’m still learning.
“Kids need to enjoy what they’re doing. I don’t care if they’re in theater, in band, if they play softball, soccer, field hockey, whatever it is. They have to be passionate about it.”
Q: How do you help your players stay mentally tough?
Lisa: It’s repetition in practice, simulating game situations and getting them ready for what they’re going to see in the game so that when they face it in the game, they’re not going to freak out. We’re successful because we can prepare them for what they’re going to see. I think that gives players confidence and with that, it makes them mentally tough.
Q: How do you help your players deal with a loss?
Lisa: My biggest message when we lose is, hey, it’s a learning opportunity. We learn from our mistakes and work toward doing better the next time. That’s all I can ask. Look, no one likes to lose, but I don’t stress to the girls, ‘Hey, we can’t lose the game.’ There’s learning that happens when you lose and there’s an opportunity for growth and if we grow from the loss as individuals, and as a team, that’s all that matters because we’re going to be that much better when we face that opponent again.
Q: What do you do when a player is really stressed — either their performance goes down or you can tell they’re anxious?
Lisa: I talk to them. I ask them what’s going on. You have to get to what’s upsetting them and then help them with perspective. That’s always helpful because when they’re in high school, that is their whole world and they lose perspective. If it becomes very worrisome for me, I will contact the parent, and say, hey, listen, I don’t want to go against your daughter’s confidence, but this is a concern for me.
Q: What do you hope your players get out of the game?
Lisa: Lacrosse aside, because I know they’re going to have
a good foundation and be well-prepared—for those that want to go to the next level. That’s a given. But what I hope they learn from this is how to work with one another, how to communicate, how to enjoy being part of something bigger than themselves, and sacrificing for a common goal, the importance of putting in hard work, the importance of being a role player, the importance of just working together and forming friendships.
Q: Why is that?
Lisa: Because it’s your community. It’s your high school friends. You come back to reunions and you remember those things.
Q: With the best of intentions, we parents sometimes make mistakes with our kids. We misread things and wind up inadvertently causing our kids stress. Are there things we can do to avoid that?
Lisa: As parents, we can block out what other parents are saying, and not set our kids up for comparisons, that may or may not be real. There was a situation where a bunch of parents were talking about how good their children were and what schools they were going to attend for lacrosse. The truth is, these players were average, and only in the 9th grade! It caused a player and a mom who overheard them so much stress. So you really need to dance to your own beat and be realistic about your child, and listen to what they want. Most kids would be far better off in a D3 school, for example, but we push them to go D1. Also, we forget. Just because they play lacrosse doesn’t mean they’re going to get recruited.
Q: What do you as a coach think we, as a community, can do to support players’ mental health?
Lisa: Just always be open and honest, whether it’s your child, whether it’s your player …opening the lines of communication, making sure that what they choose with the sport, it’s their decision and that we will be supportive of them no matter what they do. The other thing is making players comfortable with asking for help. We need to have outlets where we can help them, where they don’t feel ashamed or ridiculed. I think we’re on the way to doing that.
