Mind Set | written by: ALYCIA C. DADD, Ph.D., Director of Mental Health, Darien Public Schools
photo by: BAMBI RIEGEL | riegelpictureworks.com
Whether your child is starting preschool, entering high school or heading off to college, fall is a unique opportunity to set new intentions and create a positive experience. As we settle into a new school year, filled with excitement, hope and hints of nervousness, here are some tips to keep an upbeat, balanced mindset, and best support your children.
Keep Communication Open
Children often provide brief answers such as “fine,” “ok,” or a shrug when asked about their day, especially as the novelty of a new school year wanes. To maintain conversation, ask specific questions such as “What was something surprising today?” or “Who had the most interesting lunch?” These targeted questions are less daunting for children who find open-ended questions overwhelming. Integrating these questions into family dinner routines, where parents model both asking and responding, can make discussions more engaging.
For older kids, finding and protecting communication time is challenging with school, practices, lessons and constant digital distractions. Car trips offer a valuable opportunity to put down phones and engage in undivided attention. It is important to allow yourself to delay calls, emails or texts during these moments. Children observe our interactions with technology, and being fully present strengthens relationships, increases focus and enhances communication and mental health—key reasons behind the District’s revised policy on personal device use.
Remember, not every conversation needs to be profound; sometimes playing your child’s favorite song or listening to a shared podcast can convey connectedness without much dialogue. Even if your teen isn’t eager to talk, keep showing up. Phrases like “I’ve been thinking about what you mentioned…” or “Is now a good time to catch up on…?” demonstrate your availability and support, conveying that you are there whenever needed. Research indicates that the quality of parent-child communication is more significant than the quantity, with high-quality communications positively influencing self-concept and academic performance.
Cope Ahead for Stressful Situations
We all encounter anxiety-inducing events such as midterms, performances, tryouts, family gatherings or college applications. It’s common to either avoid thinking about these situations or dwell on potential failures. Instead of stressing in advance, ‘cope ahead.’ Identify vulnerable times for you or your child and create a concrete plan. This could include scheduling specific stress-reducing activities such as a playdate or coffee with a friend before or after a tense situation. Prioritizing enjoyable activities often creates memorable experiences yet are frequently the first to be cancelled.
Visualizing success helps reduce catastrophizing thoughts and forms cognitive schemas for success. We saw Olympic athletes visualizing routines and practicing mindfulness; we can do the same by envisioning ourselves persevering and succeeding. Helping children reframe negative thought patterns into positive ones can reduce cognitive rigidity.
Reframe Challenges as Opportunities for Growth
Witnessing your child’s struggle can be challenging and it’s natural to wish for an easier path for them. However, significant growth often arises from overcoming obstacles. Research indicates that many high achievers have faced challenges such as learning disabilities or economic hardships. Confronting and persevering through difficulties fosters a sense of accomplishment, investment and deeper understanding. It’s imperative to distinguish between healthy challenges and overwhelming ones. Encourage children to pursue their passions and remind them perfection is unattainable. Mistakes are an integral part of learning and brain development. Jennifer Wallace, in her book, Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic, notes that perfectionism can lead to negative self-talk, anxiety and burnout. Supporting children in finding what they love and aligning their activities accordingly is a lifelong gift. As parents, we must remind them they are valued for who they are, not just for their achievements.
Give Yourself Grace
There are numerous books about raising children in the digital age but no universal manual exists for effective parenting. Parenting is a challenge and every child is unique. When self-doubt emerges, try not to get caught up in those thoughts. Instead of thinking “Everyone else has it figured out,” or scrolling through Instagram with envy, practice self-validation with affirmations like “It’s normal to feel this way,” “Parenting in the digital age is unprecedented” or “Being a parent is really tough.” Connecting with parents who share similar experiences can provide significant support. Allow yourself to be open and uplift one another. Remember, we are in this together, and seeking help and showing vulnerability are okay.
Know When You or Your Child May Need More Help
While it is typical to feel a range of emotions with the start of the school year, if you notice significant changes in behavior or mood including prolonged sadness or increased irritability, or a withdrawal from activities, it may be time to seek support. Oftentimes, students struggling will withdraw from activities that once brought them pleasure, they may experience changes in eating or sleeping patterns or have difficulty concentrating. Younger children often display somatic complaints such as stomachaches and headaches when overwhelmed.
If you notice behaviors interfering with your child’s daily life including school work decline, losing friendships or changes in hygiene, reach out to a professional. Discussing concerns with your child’s pediatrician or school team is a good starting point for assessing the issue and securing appropriate referrals to mental health professionals. Connect with your child’s teacher, principal, counselor, school psychologist or social worker if you have concerns about your child’s emotional well-being. There is a wealth of support for our children both in school and throughout Darien.
As the initial excitement of the new school year fades, let’s continue to work together, grounded in Darien Public School’s mission of “inspiring a love of learning in all students so they develop as critical thinkers and innovative creators who contribute to the world with integrity and purpose beyond themselves.” There are no greater assets to this community than our youth and the families that support them.
