Mind Set | written by: LINDSAY HURTY, Ed.M.
What was the last assumption you made?
Go on, it’s okay. We’ve all made (at least) one in the past day. We’re an assuming breed.
I recently assumed that an able-bodied woman parked in a disabled-accessible spot was abusing the system—I hadn’t yet seen her passenger, who clearly warranted the reserved spot. An acquaintance assumed I was expecting a baby—I’m not pregnant. My dad recently approached parents of another child at my son’s band concert, congratulating them on their daughter’s performance—they kindly replied that “she is a he.”
All understandable assumptions. But at what cost?
We fall in and out of love based on assumptions; we decide to engage or keep quiet over assumptions; we feel self-assured or worthless over assumptions. On a bigger scale, assumptions have caused devastating hatred, toxic estrangement and violent wars.
Paradoxically, assumptions can also lead to essential inner awakenings that shape us for the better and ultimately elevate humanity.
Regarding my dad’s assumption, the child’s long hair, alto voice, and slight frame computed as female. Makes sense. But my dad had also been part of countless conversations on gender—at his own dinner table—and how appearance does not imply gender identity. I’ve been an ally and advocate for gender identity for over 25 years, and I’d passionately expressed to him, on many occasions, the validity of it. He’d heard me, but hadn’t been convinced that gender was more than two easily distinguishable boxes.
It wasn’t until he plopped himself into an actual conversation with actual people, inside their actual story, and made an inaccurate assumption that they called out, that he reconsidered his thoughts about gender.
His called-out assumption was awkward and uncomfortable, but it became a valuable catalyst for his expanded perspective. And the ripple effect from this singular, small occurrence is subtle and profound. That one learned thing reverberates to
elevate humanity.
Look, we know what we know from our lived experiences—and all of it is true. No judgment. AND. Our perspective on anything is not the whole human story. All those others who surround us—in our world, our nation, our town, our own homes—their experiences are equally true and valuable. And it’s impossible to really know what it’s like to inhabit anyone else’s experiences, relationships, feelings and body …unless we ask them questions and open-heartedly listen to their truth.
As human beings, we make assumptions—they help us navigate the world. But assumptions become dangerous when they are not called out and explored. Each assumption we make and overlook is a micro-decision to turn our backs on connection, to turn our backs on love.
As people, it’s no secret we’re a fractured body, emotionally disconnected from each other. But spoiler alert: We need each other. Even if we’re tempted to live in silos, we’re inherently and energetically connected. So we’re each accountable for improving the emotional landscape of our human network.
How? In part, by handling our assumptions more thoughtfully.
The goal isn’t to avoid the assumptions and the awkward social blunders that may ensue. Rather, we want to welcome uncomfortable awakenings and lovingly move through our assumptions—“I made an assumption—I apologize. Your child rocked the stage!”—internalize what was learned and do better next time.
But because many of our assumptions will never be publicly verbalized to create uncomfortable awakenings, it’s our responsibility also to privately notice our assumptions, call ourselves out and make uncomfortable awakenings happen from within.
For instance, what do you assume about white teenage boys on a sports field? Asian teenage boys enrolled in top tier colleges? Black teenage boys walking on your neighborhood’s sidewalk?
What do you assume about that wealthy friend? The one with a deep faith? The couple with an ideal marriage? The neighbor who doesn’t have to work? The friend who loves their work? That beautiful, perfectly fit person?
What do you assume about that misbehaved child? That child’s parents? The old person driving slowly? The driver who’s texting? Or the neighbor who makes you mad, the colleague who annoys you, the relative who rubs you the wrong way, the group whose purpose bothers you?
Gather your assumptions. Shake them out. Tell yourself the truth. Then, take a beat. Breathe. Remind yourself that you’re a person-in-becoming and always will be. Remind yourself this is what self-awareness looks like and this process will ultimately enrich your life. Remind yourself that there is something to learn from everyone.
As both the one making assumptions and receiving them, we’re striving for those uncomfortable awakenings—however awkward and hard—so that we can sidestep the irreparable damage that unchecked assumptions can create. Inviting those uncomfortable awakenings is an investment in yourself and a decision to love humanity. This is how we engage in the work of strengthening our human fabric.
Learning From Assumptions—Four Questions to Ask Yourself
- How do I know that? (What experience of yours informed your thought?)
- Is my thought elevating or depreciating humanity? (The goal is to elevate; but not blindly, so either way, move on to the next question.)
- What other perspectives could I seek to further inform me? (Look to balance your thoughts by finding a news source with an alternate slant; a person with differing life experiences; an expert with another approach…)
- What can I learn? (Your answer here is the nugget of new knowing that you’ll take forward with you. It’s helpful to pull a loving friend in to help you figure out how you’re growing.)
LINDSAY HURTY, ED.M., Darien resident and co-founder of Everwell, is a teacher, writer + speaker for lifelong learners with growth mindsets. Connect with Lindsay at lindsayhurty.com, theeverwell.com or on IG @lindsay_everwell.
